The Most Effective Way to Discipline a Child: Is it through Love & Connecting?

Even though we were all kids once, it can feel like you and your kids are speaking a whole different language at times. There comes times, regardless of what you do, where you need to explain to your child that they can’t always have their way. And it’s important, when it comes to gently putting your foot down with your child, is to know how to go about doing it.

It’s important to remember that, regardless of your immediate feelings at the situation, the moment does not reflect the personality of your child, but it is actually their wants and needs. What may seem as intentional behaviour isn’t as conscious or made with an understanding of the ramifications, as would be the case with an adult. As such, here are some ways to establish boundaries and appropriate behaviour with your child, even when they’re not on their best behaviour.

​One simple thing that you can try whenever your child is lashing out is to ask them why they’re doing so. It may seem irrational to rationalise with a young child, but it may be better than just no-no-ing to them all the time. You may actually be surprised how well young children will behave when you do actually rationalise with them – notice the million questions they ask, is because they are developing into little rational beings!

It is also important to remember that children have very little say, normally, about the events in their day and what they get to do in response to their circumstances. As a result, helping them verbalise their emotional state both helps you understand their reaction, and allows them a moment to process the situation at hand.

How to discipline toddlers a child

As let’s say, your child is throwing a tantrum in a store – asking them why they’re doing so may not get an immediate response, but it diverts from the immediate and volatile emotional response and helps them begin to process their feelings in a more constructive way, even if it only goes as far as them telling you that the lights are too bright, that they’re tired and want to go home.

Simply telling a child that they aren’t allowed to do something closes off the conversation, and so, while they may understand enough not to repeat the behaviour, they only learned how to compartmentalise, not process their state of being and their reaction to it. So much of adulthood is recognising discomfort and learning how to respond to it appropriately, so beginning the steps of self-reflection is a key step in emotional development. Similarly, it also gives your child ways of compromising with you, something that they don’t often get to practice – maybe they’ll feel better if they had a break to go outside for a few minutes, or some other option.

​However, sometimes your child might be in a place where they’ve completely shut down and aren’t willing to speak at all. This reaction is especially frustrating to parents and caretakers, because it can feel like you’re talking to a brick wall, who won’t be happy no matter what you do. It can be difficult to think clearly at this time, but remember that your child isn’t doing this to aggravate you in particular, and often they’re as frustrated as you are – children, especially young ones, don’t have the same understanding of their limits or reactions as adults do, having had very little experience with them before, and so outbursts can be as much of a surprise to them as they are to you.

A good way to deal with this is to try to see it from their perspective, when they can’t advocate for themselves – if you were in the place that they are, and you almost certainly have been, even if it’s a great deal of time ago, what would make you react in this way, and what do you think would help? This isn’t an immediate solution, most of the time, but it’s a good attitude change, taking you from thinking of your child as the cause of a problem, to the two of you being teammates, trying to solve the problem together. Once you’ve gotten to this stage, you might not have magically solved everything, but you can at least feel less frustrated about a perceived lack of progress.

Positive discipline

​How about a different scenario? Let’s say that you’re very busy, maybe cooking dinner, and your child is being very demanding of your attention, wanting to play or just wanting to talk while you’re busy with something else. Having so much on your mind can make it easy to snap at them, especially once you’ve explained to them that you’re busy several times, but children don’t have a fully developed sense of cause and effect – they have a hard time understanding the relationship between you not spending time cooking and the food not getting made. Explaining as much can help them start to see it, and gives them a chance to start making connections that wouldn’t be practiced otherwise: children need to practice a sense of consequence just as much as they need to practice social skills and coordination.

Even better, you can ask them if they want to help cooking, which can be a great chance for you to bond over doing an activity together, and let them participate in a chore. Obviously, you’ll want to give them something safe and easy, like helping mix ingredients in a bowl, that you can watch and help with.

As a matter of fact, young kids are sooo needy of love, attention and them having the self-assurance that they are safe and secure with you. This is why they follow you around, are constantly talking to you, making sure that you are paying attention and responding, wanting to be involved in everything you do, and so forth – and yes…. it can be exhausting! But ignoring them or giving them little response just makes it worse. In fact, a concentrated 15 minutes, giving 100% of your time to them, playing or listening to your child, will lead to them being more comfortable continuing to play alone for some time with the reassurance that you are there for them. Turning them away without anything else would just make them ask again or feel rejected. As a parent, you are probably your child’s most important person in the world, and knowing that they can get your attention when they need it helps form a sense of confidence, stability and security.

How to connect with your child

​Key to all of these is to change your mindset in the way you interact with children as a whole, understanding that every single moment you spend with a kid is behaviour that they will absorb as part of a pattern of behaviour and an understanding of the world. What may seem like a one-time event to you is life-altering for a child, and so every minute you can spare to being patient and seeing things from their perspective is a milestone of improvement.

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